blasting stereos...

trouble trouble, boils and bubbles.

have you ever felt like blogging something for people to read, yet you don't want people to read it? its been a long time since i've sat down and seriously blogged about something current - my thoughts, my feelings, the likes. now that i have my own laptop, i guess the time has come.

seriously, i think this is going to be long. so bored readers, (then again, no one reads my blog anymore), stop reading here.

i really think something is wrong with my relationship. ever heard of the term 'rocky'? i think it might have gone beyond that. i love leechiu, really, i do. and i know she loves me too. but what is happening to us?

i stopped sending her sweet goodnight messages because i felt it was funny sending someone a goodnight message when he or she isn't intending to sleep yet. ok, i know its warped logic, so i'm at fault, fine.

i stopped apologising repeatedly to her if i did something that upsetted her. actually i think i stopped being patient with her altogther. this, i admit, i'm in the wrong too. and to make matters worse, when she's upset and i don't have the patience anymore, i get upset too and leave her be as she is until someone gives in. of late, she has been the one giving in. i'm the prideful one. sorry.

in the past, whenever i'm upset with her, i'd bite my lips and swallow whatever anger i have and just smile and hug her. sometimes i hide it so well she doesn't even know i was angry with her. BUT, that was the past. now, i just give her the cold treatment altogether. can be days, can be weeks, until i no longer feel that angry anymore. and what's more? i'll remember what she did and shove it back at her. bastard, i am. sorry.

for everything she's done that has hurt me, i admit, i loved her a little less. i had given her all my love, but because i was hurt, i took back a bit of it.

every cut across that heart of mine made me want to give in to my emotions and cry a bit. call it male chauvinistic pride, but i never managed to cry. all the angst, the disappointment, the anger, the sadness - i'm just like a vessel to contain all these emotions.

i just finished reading Mitch Albom's 'Tuesday With Morrie'. it almost taught me how to cry. just as Morrie says in 'Tuesday With Morrie',

"there are a few rules (he) know(s) to be true about love:

if you don't respect the other person, you're gonna have a lot of trouble.
if you don't know how to compromise, you're gonna have a lot of trouble.
if you can't talk openly about what goes on between you, you're gonna have a lot of trouble.
and if you don't have a common set of values in life, you're gonna have a lot of trouble"

i do think we are having a lot of trouble, don't you think so? i'm gonna end with this quote also from Mitch Albom's book...

"silence (can be an) escape, but silence is rarely a refuge"
elson.out

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