blasting stereos...

reflection time!

Today's MSN nick : why is friendster becoming so lovey-dovey? no offense.. but yuck..
Song anchored in my head : "Shout to the Lord" -christian song
Current Mood : so so..
Trying to portray the me who: is home on v-day.. =D

my good, good fren has flown back to Aus
didnt send her off
feeling a bit bad
but i guess its ok
considering how i felt last night

went bowling with the J1 airheads
quite alright
was in fact expecting a bigger challenge
but.. haha..
chloe told me a problem
we have very quiet people in our section
(zhiwei, peiqi and wanting)
how can we get them more involved with us?
good question.
i've tried getting them to talk
but if they really dont feel comfortable with us
i cant possibly do anything,
can i?
(people who have suggestion please leave a comment please?
i'll really appreciate it.)

* * * * *

well, i didnt sleep much last night
was thinking about some stuff
how time flies
in an instant, v-day is here again
was just looking back at last year's...

went bowling with you
played quite a few games
then we each went our ways home
just when i thought its the day's end
we went out once again- from home,
to catch a movie
no doubt the movie session was unlike the past
since we were rather distant at that time
still it was enough i guess
i just wanted the time spent with you
but you insisted you go home by yourself
so, fine, i let you, after much effort to change your mind.
i never ever did what i did
(the running around)
i guess i never ever will
with you.

until now
i still wonder why i even bothered
that was at the back of the head of my friends too
but, then, i never once thought twice

looking back
i feel so childish
so... stupid?

even till now
i may say you're the past
but still there's a part of you in me
(man this sounds so mushy)
thats me trying to sound unfeeling again.
i still think about you
in fact
every now and then
but its only the longing
i dont wish to see you
not at all
some of the dreaded memories
some...SOME,
has been forgotten
i want to look ahead
i want a new heart with a new occupant,
other than my Dear God.
i want to remove the remnants of your existence in me
please. disappear.

heart to heart
i dont know if i should write this out
seriously. should i?
some experts say we have more than one selves
the real self,
and the self i want others to see.
honestly im no exception
but i constantly feel as if i've got conflicting personalities.

the self i want others to see.
-lacks affection
-lacks emotions
-lacks love
basically taking about the same thing
my question is
am i really like that?
i feel that im in denial
i refuse to acknowledge that im still disturbed
(no, not in the insane sense)
i want to care and show my affections too
i want to show that i can, in fact, feel.
i'm not stone-hearted
i'm just being protective of myself
i, in fact, do not want to be in my own world
but by exposing the real me
i feel so vulnerable
very... VERY vulnerable
im not ready to experience another blow

i feel like a snail
encased in my own little world
hard and solid on the outside
but fragile and soft in the inside
(so nursery-like)
well, i like it like that.
elson- reflecting. out.

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